Why Add Guilt?
When my girls came home laughing and lighthearted after a weekend visit with their mom, I listened to them horsing around. While I was happy for them that they'd enjoyed their time with her, until after my therapy work, I would fuss and cluck inside my own head about their fun times. "Oh sure, go and have fun while I'm stuck here with laundry and house cleaning." "She doesn't have to make them toe the line for anything. All they do is have fun visiting her." "I wish our times together were just fun and laughter, but no, I'm the one who has to make them get their homework done, or do the dishes after supper when they want to whine."
I know, I know, it was a pity party and I had a small violin to accompany myself too. :) I know for a fact there were times when my own negative emotions seeped right out through my own mouth, but I know for the most part, I tried to keep them inside my own mind.
You may wonder why it's not a good idea to indulge in that kind of thinking because you know you do it too? Well, I have several good reasons.
1) I needed to grow up. You probably do too. What possible good can come from laying this one all over your kids' good time? Nothing. You just add guilt.
2) My daughters didn't know what I was going through emotionally, and they did not need to know right then. There's a time for everything, and that was not good timing.
3) Kids deserve to have lighthearted, simple joy in their lives. They need to be "in the moment" and when the moment is filled with joy, well, why would you want to disturb that?
4) Your divorce was not caused in any way by your kids. Don't lay your work off on to them. If you struggle with their joy, go get some help to restore the joy to your own life so you can have those joy-filled moments with them too. You deserve it as much as they do.
5) The maturity to keep your problems to yourself and not share them with your kids provides a life-long benefit to your children. You wouldn't want your children to think that your problems are theirs because that would be putting your burden on them. Talk to your own friends if you need a sounding board and let your kids grow up more gently and gradually.
About the Author:
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com